I don't know what happened to me, but I just disappeared from my blog, and stopped posting anything of any meaning on here or myspace. Coincidentally, my sleepless nights have driven me back here. I vaguely remember a time when I could write, write, and write some more and still have more to say. I miss those days, I felt more in touch with myself and my life. I wish I could get back into them, but it seems every time I've tried, I fail. Partially I think I fail out of sheer fear of the thoughts in my mind being read by someone I don't want reading them; the fear of being judged, or it some how negatively affecting my life. Sounds stupid, I know, but I can't get over it. I wish I could because there is always so much going on in my mind, so many thoughts I wish I could write down to lift the weight off my shoulders. I know, I know, just make it private. There are people who I want to read my blogs, people I look forward to reading advice and opinions from, private postings prevent that.
Ugh, I haven't been able to sleep for weeks, I'm hoping writing will help relieve some stress so that maybe I can regain my sleeping schedule.
I feel so alone. I don't know why. I don't know what to do to change it. I have an amazing boyfriend, asleep in the next room, and I always feel alone. I'm never happy anymore. I might have a smile on, I might laugh at a joke, but on the inside I hate myself, and I hate where my life is right now. I think a lot of it is related to my weight, and the fact that I can't find a job no matter how hard I look. When I'm working, I'm happy, I feel accomplished, I feel like I'm not just sitting at home eating to suppress my depression. When I eat, I'm angry and mad at myself for eating, which in turn makes me depressed. When I'm depressed I eat to make myself feel better. It's a vicious cycle. I don't share it with anyone around me...but it's constantly on my mind. My body is constantly on my mind....how much I hate it, how I feel like a skinny person on the inside, and I'm trapped in a disgusting body. How people look at me, how it affects me getting a job in this horrible economy, how my boyfriend feels. I know he loves me, but i find myself constantly doubting it, constantly thinking he's with me only because it's convenient, thinking I disgust him...when really it's just my own disgust with myself thinking how could anyone not find me disgusting? I don't know what to do, it constantly consumes my thoughts. How if I could make my outsides match my insides, everything would be better, and life would be good. I want to get surgery, but that takes money, which I have none of because I can't find work. I NEVER have energy, no matter what vitamins I take, no matter how much, or little sleep I get, no matter what, I have no energy at all. I feel like I can't find a solution, I can't find answers to my problems. I wish I could talk to the people around me about these thoughts in my head, but they wouldn't understand. They don't understand the constantly obsessive thoughts in my head. They wouldn't understand the feelings I have. I wish I could magically have energy, and magically go and exercise and lose weight, and have everything be all better...but it's not. I know I should see a professional, I know it'd be beneficial, but without insurance or income, it's not an option. Plus, part of me feels like I don't need to go, like I'm going to wake up one morning and everything will be better. I feel lost.